Sunday, January 1, 2017

The same old fears

Tomorrow, it begins again. I shall take the bus to work or maybe miss it. There will be coffee and conversations about the weather, the traffic, the weekend movie and the weather. There will be meetings and there will be work. Missed sunsets and no music. All this should be all too familiar by now, even comfortable, only it's not today. I feel I have lost everything I knew about surviving and almost liking places of work. A gentle reset button has been pressed somewhere and all my learned habits washed off clean. I feel the dread I used to feel on the last day of summer vacation when mom would pack my things for boarding school and I would be unable to do anything - eat, sleep or move from one spot of the house to another. It used to be okay after a day so I should take comfort there.

Today is the last day of a ten day break - I did not go anywhere but somehow the feeling that I'd be home and there would be nothing to do was good enough this time. My days consisted of long walks with the dog, music on loop, food and sleep. Some evenings I would stand by my window at dusk, watch the sky change colors and wonder why I never noticed the view before. Every night on the way back home, me and the dog would sit on a grassy patch by the road and watch an endless stream of people, cars and other dogs go by. I knew all this already - the cliches about not being blind to the simple things, about not worrying too much about the next day, about life plans going wrong, about the world going wrong every day. But the thing with these kinds of knowledge is that we forget. I guess I will try not to forget, at least tomorrow.

Shout out to a friend who reminded me it's been a while I posted, you know who you are. Here is the sky from my window :)